I'm speechless!

Okay so I'm in shock! For Christmas this year I got a kindle, a Northface Jacket, Guy Harvey shirts, and two positive pregnancy tests. Yes.. baby #3 is on the way! At first I was a little sad (and this makes me feel bad) because I had this pregnancy planned out. I was going to get into the LPN Program, graduate, get a great job, possible sell our house, and then have another baby. I guess God had another plan. I admit, and I don't want anyone to get upset with me because I'm upset with myself, I cried when I found out and few days after.

Even though I had a healthy baby after Lilly, I still can't help being a little apprehensive and scared about this pregnancy. My first doctors appointment was Thursday January 6 and it went well. Oh course I was offered Genetic testing again. I guess once high risk always high risk. And again I refused all genetic testing except ultrasounds. Whether this baby is healthy or not, this is my child and a precious gift. No genetic testing will truely prepare you to leave the hospital with empty arms.

After my appointment, I felt a little down. I am not sad about being pregnant, I am sad about possibly having to put off school another year. I refuse to be sad about being pregnant because just like Lilly and Dylan, this baby deserves my happiness and excitment.

Michael and I have already picked out names! Girl: Faith Elizabeth Knox and Boy: Tanner John Knox

Faith Elizabeth is the name I picked out and I have been praying over since Lilly passed away. Her name means Trust consecrated to God. I believe it has taken my faith in God to get me through so much in the past 4 years and her name is dedicated to that faith and struggle.

Can you tell by now that I'm hoping for a girl? :)

Outreach

This my sister, Sarah Grace! I use to HATE when my sister, Sarah, would 'preach' to me. I would think,'She thinks she is better then me'.. I didn't recognize she was trying to express her love and concern, instead I thought she was being judgemental. What a great way to reach out to people?! Without saying anything, you minister by writing your testimony on cardboard. "I Was Blind" I can relate to this cardboard sign in SO many ways...

Many people have been where I was. When I was 20 years old, I lived in Greenville, NC, downtown of all areas. It was the first time I had ever gone clubbing. Which after the first time, I had to go every weekend and then it was every thursday, friday, and saturday nights. I remember one night getting so drunk in a club, I got sick in the bathroom. {{EMBARRASSING}} That is just the beginning! I threw up in a trashcan walking out of the club with a line of people trying to get in. Um.. {{SUPER EMBARRASSING}}Then I passed out in the arms of my roommate's boyfriend's arms and a Cop walks by and I have huge {{Xs}} on my hands. He tells them to get me home and kept walking. I got really lucky. :( I don't remember anything from that night. My roommate told me a lot of things I had done and I felt SO ashamed. I ended up throwing up the whole day. <-- Now I look back at this and ask myself 'Was all this worth it?'. Does it sound like it was worth it?!

I quit drinking at 21 years old.. I know {{WEIRD}}. My boyfriend, Michael, said he didn't like 'drunk girls'. So, I quit for him! We ended up living together and in March of 2007 I found myself pregnant. As someone who never thought much about abortion, it was the first thought I had. My thoughts were, I would rather have an abortion then tell my parents or even Michael. Michael was very supportive and comforting. The parents were upset but eventually came around. We debated on what we were going to name our baby. Michael would choose the boy's name and I the girl's. Our first ultrasound we found out we were having a girl and her name would be Lilly. We found out through an amniocentisis Lilly had Trisomy 18 and would not live. That is the moment I got down on my knees after years of avoiding God. And I prayed to Him like I have never prayed before.

When I started building my relationship with the Lord, I found comfort and strength and Love. He opened my eyes and my heart to so many things. Abortion was the biggest issue. I had no choice in my situation. As bad as I wanted my little Lilly to live the Lord had other plans for her. This I have to say was just the beginning. While holding my daughter, I prayed the Lord would take me instead of her. WOW! To give your life for someone else. I never would have imagined myself capable. I realized that is how much the Lord loves us that He gave His only son to die on the cross for ME. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about that LOVE! When I started living my life down the path God set for me, I have found a lot of ease through my walk. The path gets a little bumpy but its a test of my faith.. and He gives me the strength to continue walking with ease. The opportunities are endless through Him....

Letter to Lilly

Dear Lilly,

I miss you so much! Daddy misses you also. I can't believe it has almost been three years since you were born. Today, your little brother Dylan and I went to Tassels and bought a beautiful stone planter to put behind your gravestone. I can't wait to fill it with a beautiful spring flower arrangement. When I think of you, I think of all things beautiful.

Kristen Etheridge, a friend of your Aunt Kristen, had to give a presentation about abortion in one of her classes. She could not help but speak about you. Here is the message she sent me..

"Elizabeth,
I hope you, Michael, and Dylan are doing good! I just wanted to let you know I had to do a group project about abortions in different religions in a class, and I told your story about Lilly. I wasn't planning on it but the subject of medical abortions came up during the discussion. I explained how a lot of the doctors at BSOM encouraged you to have an abortion but you didn't. Then told everyone how you and Michael spent 6 precious hours with Lilly that you wouldn't trade for anything. The professor asked me today if I would ask you if he could use your story in one of his other classes. I told him I would ask you.

Kristen"

This is God encouraging me through friends. Lilly, you are such a wonderful inspiration. And of course my answer to her teacher was 'yes'. I want everyone to know all about how wonderful you are! After I thanked Kristen for telling her class about you, she sent me this message which is such a great encouragment..

"You are welcome! I think it's amazing that you gave her the gift of life! You are an amazing woman!" - Kristen Etheridge

God has put so many great people in my life! I wish you could have met your brother, Dylan. He is such a sweet baby. He has two teeth now and he does this fake smile that makes me laugh so hard I cry. :) Because of you, I cherish every moment I have with the ones I love. Baby girl, I love and I miss you so much. I can't wait to tell Dylan all about his older sister.

Love,
Mommy

A Women of Character! <-- I want to be!

I have devoted my time between 6am and 8am to bible study. My bible study consists of...
1. watching a sermon at www.newspring.org {{Which by the way the sermons are AWESOME}}
2. Taking my notes and writing the bible verses down.
3. Studying the bible verses

Today I watched week 2 of the series 'Beautiful'. WONDERFUL sermon! I never realized that the way I talk to my husband and about my husband has really effected our relationship. Pastor Perry spoke about 'The words we speak are a reflection of our hearts.' It's so true. I am constantly using my words to tear Michael down instead of bring him up.

WORDS!!!

Proverbs 12:4
"Agood wife is like a crown for her husband but a disgraceful wife is like a disease in his bones."

Proverbs 26:20
"Without wood, a fire will go out, and without gossip, quarreling with stop." <-- This verse really made me realize that everytime I speak negatively about Michael, it keeps my negative feeling alive. That is why forgiveness is the only way to settle disputes.

INTENTIONS!!!

"It doesn't always have to be about you!" Very hard quote for me to grasp. :(

Proverbs 5:18-19
"Be happy with the wife you married when you were young. She gives you joy, as your fountain give you water. She is lovely and graceful as a deer. Let her love always and make you happy; let her love always hold you captive."

FORGIVENESS!!

Forgive and forget! Satan brings up old bad memories to make you hate or to harm your relationship with you husband or wife. I know, Satan hates marriage and he will do everything in his power to kill, steal, and destroy.

Colossians 3:13
"Bear with each other, and forgive eah other. If someone does wrong to you, forgive that person because God forgave you."

EXPECTATIONS!!!

How can you pray over all your husband's faults and sins when you haven't and wont even pray for your own?!

Proverbs 19:13
"A foolish child brings disaster to a father, and a quarreling wife is like dripping water."

Proverbs 21:9
"It is better tolive in a corner on the roof than inside the house with a quarreling wife."

Proverbs 21:19
"It is better to live alone in the desert than with a quarreling and complaining wife."

WOW! I never realized how bad it really is to live with someone like that! All I know is I don't want to be that kind of wife. I want to be a Wife of Character. I want my beauty to show not only from the outside but inside as well.

Finding Light

Finding Light
By: Elizabeth Knox
“Loss leaves us empty- but learn not to close your heart and mind in grief. Allow life to replenish you. When sorrow comes, it seems impossible- but new joys wait to fill the void.” -Pat Brown I believe that everything happens for a reason. Before the death of my daughter, I believed that nothing bad or tragic, would or could ever happen to me. Never again will I ever think that. Death, grief, tragedy, and despair are happening to people everyday, we need to find the spiritual reason to see the light through the long dark tunnel.
In the beginning, my grief started months before the death of my daughter. After many ultrasounds and Specialist visits, I was told that my daughter, Lilly, had a rare chromosome disorder called Trisomy 18. The Specialist explained that Lilly was incompatible for life and that she would be born too early or that she would be stillborn. For months, even though my heart was hurt and my eyes were filled with tears, I cherished every little kick with great comfort in knowing that she was alive. It was almost like her little way of telling me “Mommy, don’t cry! I’m still here!”. I would pray every night, “Lord, I don’t know your plan for Lilly’s life but I pray that me and my family will be able to hold her alive and that she will be born to term”. I put all my faith in God, that my prayers would be answered.
In six hours I had the best day of my life with the birth of my daughter and I also had the worst day of my life with the death of my daughter. On October 26, 2007 at 10:40 pm, my daughter Lilly was born to term and alive. Looking in Lilly’s eyes, I felt how much she loved me and how much I loved her. After giving birth, the instant connection and love between a mother and her baby is so strong, so true, and so pure. To have that love taken from you is devastating. Lilly passed away on October 27, 2007 at 4:40am. The grief that I felt after losing Lilly was so overwhelming that I was blinded by devastation. I felt so angry, betrayed, as though my world had completely been ripped apart. All the dreams and the things I wanted to do with my daughter, like braid her hair, comfort her and hold her when she didn’t feel good, give her kisses and pray with her before she went to sleep, were ripped away from me like they had no meaning. My daughter’s death made me realize so many things and it completely changed my prospective on life and death.
“Time is a companion that goes with us on a journey. It reminds us to cherish each moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived.” -Anon How precious life is when its cut short and how precious time is when there isn’t enough. Through my experience I have found and been blessed with a great ministry to speak to others. A ministry that has helped others find their way through their very tough and tragic experience. Believing now that life is what you make it, I live my life treating others like they have just been through my experience, cherishing every moment with the people that are still with me, and handing every situation that comes in my life to God. I believe also that death is what you make it. Death, no matter how tragic, is beautiful and the beginning of life, life with no more death or destruction.
Through the tragedy of losing my daughter, I have found new life. A life filled with love and care for the loved ones still here with me, treating other’s lives as precious as my own, and cherishing every moment as if it could be the last. This prospective has helped me on my journey of grief in finding the light.

Is there HOPE?!

I just sent a message to my friend... it read... 'Tassels is closed and I don't know how much longer my parents are going to be together'. The sadest message I think I've sent someone. In this situation I see Satan working...

My father isn't a people person. He works so hard and comes home to his recliner, laptop, and dog. He separates himself. I remember growing up, my father would come home and we would all rush to the door to greet him and fight over who would be the one to take off his boots. His boots smelled like saw dust, which now is one of my favorite smells.. its a smell that brings me comfort. He and my mother raised us to love the Lord.

My father's 50th birthday was yesterday. My mother had wanted to take him out to eat and it ended up being her and my sisters going. After getting home, my father basically broke it off with my mother... saying, 'He would never be able to be the man he once was.'.. the man she married.

My father has had a lot of hurts in his life. He always feels like he has to be a protector and keep every situation under control. After my sister, Kristen, decided to choose living her life worldly, after Lilly passed away, after my sister, Katherine started having seizures, and after Kenneth Copeland says,'When someone dies, its because you didn't have enough faith.'.. my father has turned to drinking to cover all his hurts. With this has opened the door in his heart for Satan to enter. This is why I stress surrendering. Surrendering all your hurts to God will help to heal your heart. The Lord doesn't want us to deal with hurts on our own.

My mother goes to church every sunday without my father by her side. My mother and father NEVER go out to eat or do anything together. It hurts me to see my mom upset or unhappy. I'm 25 years old and the thought of my parents getting a divorce hurts SO bad. I don't care how old a child is, it hurts to have your parents separate. I know that if my parents were to get a divorce they wouldn't get married again.

All my life my father has taught me to turn to God for help...

Lord, I'm pleading for your help and your strength. I know you love my father and I pray, Lord, he will surrender all the hurts he is feeling to you. I pray he will also realize You are the only one who will fulfill all the desires of his heart and that alcohol will always be a temporary fix. It has hurt me to see the person who raised me to you, Lord, fall in Satan's trap. Please give me the knowledge to know what to do and strength to get through this trail set before me. I know in this situation, Lord, that my mom will be okay but I pray you will continue to give her your strength and your peace. Amen-