I heart you..Miss Lilly Brie~

I am a complete emotional reck! You can't tell by my happy attitude but I am really sad and upset. This month is full of happy and sad memories. The leaves falling from the trees, the smell of burning leaves, the pumpkins.. all bring back the memory of Lilly and the events leading up to her birth.

On October 15, 2007, Michael and I rented our first place together as a newly wed couple. All we had to prepare for Lilly, at that time, was a bassinet and clothes, in a small room connecting the kitchen to the master bedroom. But mentally we were prepared for the fact that she might never see the bassinet and clothes. I was attending a Bible study with some girl friend's of mine. They stayed with me one night, when Michael had to work, so that just in case I went into labor they could take me to the hospital and call Michael. Brian Winslow walked me from West 2nd Street to Down On Mainstreet and back nearly everyday. I guess he wanted to meet Lilly as bad as I did. :) I was having a lot of trouble with my feet and legs swelling. I was miserable but I knew that the as long as she was in my belly she was fine.

On October 24, 2007 at 10:00pm I went to the hospital for contractions. Which, of course, went away after the nurse gave me an IV but they decided to induce me anyway because of the Pregnancy Induced Hypertension. Finally, on the 26th is when the Pitosin started to kick in and I started having mild contractions. One of the sadest moments in my life was when the NICU Doctor came into the room and sat down next to my bed and asked Michael and I if we wanted to put Lilly on life support or comfort care. I just cried because reality really truely set in then.. our baby was going to die. At that moment we knew for sure it was going to happen.

We chose comfort care. I wanted everything to be in God's will. And I knew that God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle.

I received an Epidural, which didn't work. So I was in extreme pain and ended up blacking out for a few minutes. I woke up to the doctor and nurses moving me to another bed and telling me to push. The doctor, according to my mother, wasn't very interested in delivering Lilly. She acted almost like it was a waste of her time. I ended up pushing for 23 minutes and finally Lilly was born at 10:56 pm. She didn't cry, which really scared me. I remember saying, "She isn't crying, she isn't crying". I didn't know if she was alive. I had prayed for months for her to be born alive.

They put her in my arms and she was perfect. I remember the doctor coming back into the room to see her. My mom said doctors usually never do that. She wimpered. :( The nurses put an oxygen meter on her foot, which when it got below a certain number it would beep. It beeped a lot. Everyone was so worried about her heart but her heart beat was strong. Michael's family and my family left and went home after holding and loving Lilly. They went home with anticipation of seeing her the next morning. The nurses moved us to a family room in the NICU, where Lilly laid in a bed between Michael and I. She passed away at 4:46 am.

Our family came back to the hospital to say their good-byes.

This is why this month is SO hard. I tell myself after crying myself to sleep that I should be over this by now. I feel like that if I talk too much about Lilly that people will get tired of hearing it. I'm not over it, the tears continue to fall when I'm trying to go to sleep, and I want to talk about her. I haven't cried infront of any of my friends or family in a very long time and I feel like I'm due for a good cryfest.

I also continue to ask the Lord why he chose me for this.. not that I want anyone else to lose their child. This is so hard....