Okay so I'm in shock! For Christmas this year I got a kindle, a Northface Jacket, Guy Harvey shirts, and two positive pregnancy tests. Yes.. baby #3 is on the way! At first I was a little sad (and this makes me feel bad) because I had this pregnancy planned out. I was going to get into the LPN Program, graduate, get a great job, possible sell our house, and then have another baby. I guess God had another plan. I admit, and I don't want anyone to get upset with me because I'm upset with myself, I cried when I found out and few days after.
Even though I had a healthy baby after Lilly, I still can't help being a little apprehensive and scared about this pregnancy. My first doctors appointment was Thursday January 6 and it went well. Oh course I was offered Genetic testing again. I guess once high risk always high risk. And again I refused all genetic testing except ultrasounds. Whether this baby is healthy or not, this is my child and a precious gift. No genetic testing will truely prepare you to leave the hospital with empty arms.
After my appointment, I felt a little down. I am not sad about being pregnant, I am sad about possibly having to put off school another year. I refuse to be sad about being pregnant because just like Lilly and Dylan, this baby deserves my happiness and excitment.
Michael and I have already picked out names! Girl: Faith Elizabeth Knox and Boy: Tanner John Knox
Faith Elizabeth is the name I picked out and I have been praying over since Lilly passed away. Her name means Trust consecrated to God. I believe it has taken my faith in God to get me through so much in the past 4 years and her name is dedicated to that faith and struggle.
Can you tell by now that I'm hoping for a girl? :)
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Thursday, October 7, 2010
I heart you..Miss Lilly Brie~
I am a complete emotional reck! You can't tell by my happy attitude but I am really sad and upset. This month is full of happy and sad memories. The leaves falling from the trees, the smell of burning leaves, the pumpkins.. all bring back the memory of Lilly and the events leading up to her birth.
On October 15, 2007, Michael and I rented our first place together as a newly wed couple. All we had to prepare for Lilly, at that time, was a bassinet and clothes, in a small room connecting the kitchen to the master bedroom. But mentally we were prepared for the fact that she might never see the bassinet and clothes. I was attending a Bible study with some girl friend's of mine. They stayed with me one night, when Michael had to work, so that just in case I went into labor they could take me to the hospital and call Michael. Brian Winslow walked me from West 2nd Street to Down On Mainstreet and back nearly everyday. I guess he wanted to meet Lilly as bad as I did. :) I was having a lot of trouble with my feet and legs swelling. I was miserable but I knew that the as long as she was in my belly she was fine.
On October 24, 2007 at 10:00pm I went to the hospital for contractions. Which, of course, went away after the nurse gave me an IV but they decided to induce me anyway because of the Pregnancy Induced Hypertension. Finally, on the 26th is when the Pitosin started to kick in and I started having mild contractions. One of the sadest moments in my life was when the NICU Doctor came into the room and sat down next to my bed and asked Michael and I if we wanted to put Lilly on life support or comfort care. I just cried because reality really truely set in then.. our baby was going to die. At that moment we knew for sure it was going to happen.
We chose comfort care. I wanted everything to be in God's will. And I knew that God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle.
I received an Epidural, which didn't work. So I was in extreme pain and ended up blacking out for a few minutes. I woke up to the doctor and nurses moving me to another bed and telling me to push. The doctor, according to my mother, wasn't very interested in delivering Lilly. She acted almost like it was a waste of her time. I ended up pushing for 23 minutes and finally Lilly was born at 10:56 pm. She didn't cry, which really scared me. I remember saying, "She isn't crying, she isn't crying". I didn't know if she was alive. I had prayed for months for her to be born alive.
They put her in my arms and she was perfect. I remember the doctor coming back into the room to see her. My mom said doctors usually never do that. She wimpered. :( The nurses put an oxygen meter on her foot, which when it got below a certain number it would beep. It beeped a lot. Everyone was so worried about her heart but her heart beat was strong. Michael's family and my family left and went home after holding and loving Lilly. They went home with anticipation of seeing her the next morning. The nurses moved us to a family room in the NICU, where Lilly laid in a bed between Michael and I. She passed away at 4:46 am.
Our family came back to the hospital to say their good-byes.
This is why this month is SO hard. I tell myself after crying myself to sleep that I should be over this by now. I feel like that if I talk too much about Lilly that people will get tired of hearing it. I'm not over it, the tears continue to fall when I'm trying to go to sleep, and I want to talk about her. I haven't cried infront of any of my friends or family in a very long time and I feel like I'm due for a good cryfest.
I also continue to ask the Lord why he chose me for this.. not that I want anyone else to lose their child. This is so hard....
On October 15, 2007, Michael and I rented our first place together as a newly wed couple. All we had to prepare for Lilly, at that time, was a bassinet and clothes, in a small room connecting the kitchen to the master bedroom. But mentally we were prepared for the fact that she might never see the bassinet and clothes. I was attending a Bible study with some girl friend's of mine. They stayed with me one night, when Michael had to work, so that just in case I went into labor they could take me to the hospital and call Michael. Brian Winslow walked me from West 2nd Street to Down On Mainstreet and back nearly everyday. I guess he wanted to meet Lilly as bad as I did. :) I was having a lot of trouble with my feet and legs swelling. I was miserable but I knew that the as long as she was in my belly she was fine.
On October 24, 2007 at 10:00pm I went to the hospital for contractions. Which, of course, went away after the nurse gave me an IV but they decided to induce me anyway because of the Pregnancy Induced Hypertension. Finally, on the 26th is when the Pitosin started to kick in and I started having mild contractions. One of the sadest moments in my life was when the NICU Doctor came into the room and sat down next to my bed and asked Michael and I if we wanted to put Lilly on life support or comfort care. I just cried because reality really truely set in then.. our baby was going to die. At that moment we knew for sure it was going to happen.
We chose comfort care. I wanted everything to be in God's will. And I knew that God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle.
I received an Epidural, which didn't work. So I was in extreme pain and ended up blacking out for a few minutes. I woke up to the doctor and nurses moving me to another bed and telling me to push. The doctor, according to my mother, wasn't very interested in delivering Lilly. She acted almost like it was a waste of her time. I ended up pushing for 23 minutes and finally Lilly was born at 10:56 pm. She didn't cry, which really scared me. I remember saying, "She isn't crying, she isn't crying". I didn't know if she was alive. I had prayed for months for her to be born alive.
They put her in my arms and she was perfect. I remember the doctor coming back into the room to see her. My mom said doctors usually never do that. She wimpered. :( The nurses put an oxygen meter on her foot, which when it got below a certain number it would beep. It beeped a lot. Everyone was so worried about her heart but her heart beat was strong. Michael's family and my family left and went home after holding and loving Lilly. They went home with anticipation of seeing her the next morning. The nurses moved us to a family room in the NICU, where Lilly laid in a bed between Michael and I. She passed away at 4:46 am.
Our family came back to the hospital to say their good-byes.
This is why this month is SO hard. I tell myself after crying myself to sleep that I should be over this by now. I feel like that if I talk too much about Lilly that people will get tired of hearing it. I'm not over it, the tears continue to fall when I'm trying to go to sleep, and I want to talk about her. I haven't cried infront of any of my friends or family in a very long time and I feel like I'm due for a good cryfest.
I also continue to ask the Lord why he chose me for this.. not that I want anyone else to lose their child. This is so hard....
Thursday, May 20, 2010
*((Fort Dylan))*
For those days of pure discontent and pulling hair out.. a couch cushion fort will calm anyone's nerves for about 30 minutes. :)
I don't know about the imagination your fort brings but Dylan's fort is our protection from huge blue dragons.. let me not forget about the green ones, they breathe purple fire. Love when the imagination runs wild. I'll write a story later. Time for me to hit the sack! Goodnight all and God Bless!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Outreach
This my sister, Sarah Grace! I use to HATE when my sister, Sarah, would 'preach' to me. I would think,'She thinks she is better then me'.. I didn't recognize she was trying to express her love and concern, instead I thought she was being judgemental. What a great way to reach out to people?! Without saying anything, you minister by writing your testimony on cardboard. "I Was Blind" I can relate to this cardboard sign in SO many ways...
Many people have been where I was. When I was 20 years old, I lived in Greenville, NC, downtown of all areas. It was the first time I had ever gone clubbing. Which after the first time, I had to go every weekend and then it was every thursday, friday, and saturday nights. I remember one night getting so drunk in a club, I got sick in the bathroom. {{EMBARRASSING}} That is just the beginning! I threw up in a trashcan walking out of the club with a line of people trying to get in. Um.. {{SUPER EMBARRASSING}}Then I passed out in the arms of my roommate's boyfriend's arms and a Cop walks by and I have huge {{Xs}} on my hands. He tells them to get me home and kept walking. I got really lucky. :( I don't remember anything from that night. My roommate told me a lot of things I had done and I felt SO ashamed. I ended up throwing up the whole day. <-- Now I look back at this and ask myself 'Was all this worth it?'. Does it sound like it was worth it?!
I quit drinking at 21 years old.. I know {{WEIRD}}. My boyfriend, Michael, said he didn't like 'drunk girls'. So, I quit for him! We ended up living together and in March of 2007 I found myself pregnant. As someone who never thought much about abortion, it was the first thought I had. My thoughts were, I would rather have an abortion then tell my parents or even Michael. Michael was very supportive and comforting. The parents were upset but eventually came around. We debated on what we were going to name our baby. Michael would choose the boy's name and I the girl's. Our first ultrasound we found out we were having a girl and her name would be Lilly. We found out through an amniocentisis Lilly had Trisomy 18 and would not live. That is the moment I got down on my knees after years of avoiding God. And I prayed to Him like I have never prayed before.
When I started building my relationship with the Lord, I found comfort and strength and Love. He opened my eyes and my heart to so many things. Abortion was the biggest issue. I had no choice in my situation. As bad as I wanted my little Lilly to live the Lord had other plans for her. This I have to say was just the beginning. While holding my daughter, I prayed the Lord would take me instead of her. WOW! To give your life for someone else. I never would have imagined myself capable. I realized that is how much the Lord loves us that He gave His only son to die on the cross for ME. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about that LOVE! When I started living my life down the path God set for me, I have found a lot of ease through my walk. The path gets a little bumpy but its a test of my faith.. and He gives me the strength to continue walking with ease. The opportunities are endless through Him....
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Carolina Pregnancy Center Walk for Life
Hello Friends!!
My name is Elizabeth Knox and I am participating in an important event in my community. The Carolina Pregnancy Center of Washington, North Carolina is having its annual Walk for Life and I am asking neighbors, friends, and family to sponsor me. Would you please be one of my sponsors?
This non-profit ministry served nearly 1000 clients and nearly 5000 students last year! Many of the teens, women, and men are facing difficult circumstances and need the emotional support and practical assistance offered free at the Center. The Center serves clients in 2 locations, Greenville and Washington, North Carolina.
If you would like to participate with me by being one of my sponsors, I would really appreciate it. Sponsorship is for the event, not per mile, and any gift you give is tax-deductible.
EVERY DOLLAR RAISED HELPS:
*Teens hear the challenge of sexual abstinence through the “Its Great to Wait” program in the public schools.
*Pregnant women hear the truth about all their options, while counselors pray they will choose life for the child.
*Young moms-to-be prepare for birth and parenting challenges.
*Young women & men earn vouchers for baby items through our parenting classes.
*Struggling women find emotional and spiritual recovery from an abortion through the “Mended Hearts” program and the P.A.L.M. one-day healing conference.
*Clients hear about the love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ.
My goal is to raise $1000 to help these families in need! I know I have set my goal high but I am very passionate about this.
If you would like to sponsor me, please send me a email - lizzy_h_03@yahoo.com. In the email specify if you would like your commitment of $10 or more to be billed to you by the Center and your address.
I appreciate all your support!
God Bless,
Elizabeth Knox
My name is Elizabeth Knox and I am participating in an important event in my community. The Carolina Pregnancy Center of Washington, North Carolina is having its annual Walk for Life and I am asking neighbors, friends, and family to sponsor me. Would you please be one of my sponsors?
This non-profit ministry served nearly 1000 clients and nearly 5000 students last year! Many of the teens, women, and men are facing difficult circumstances and need the emotional support and practical assistance offered free at the Center. The Center serves clients in 2 locations, Greenville and Washington, North Carolina.
If you would like to participate with me by being one of my sponsors, I would really appreciate it. Sponsorship is for the event, not per mile, and any gift you give is tax-deductible.
EVERY DOLLAR RAISED HELPS:
*Teens hear the challenge of sexual abstinence through the “Its Great to Wait” program in the public schools.
*Pregnant women hear the truth about all their options, while counselors pray they will choose life for the child.
*Young moms-to-be prepare for birth and parenting challenges.
*Young women & men earn vouchers for baby items through our parenting classes.
*Struggling women find emotional and spiritual recovery from an abortion through the “Mended Hearts” program and the P.A.L.M. one-day healing conference.
*Clients hear about the love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ.
My goal is to raise $1000 to help these families in need! I know I have set my goal high but I am very passionate about this.
If you would like to sponsor me, please send me a email - lizzy_h_03@yahoo.com. In the email specify if you would like your commitment of $10 or more to be billed to you by the Center and your address.
I appreciate all your support!
God Bless,
Elizabeth Knox
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Walk for Life
Wow! It has certainly been a while since the last time I have written.
I will be participating and the Walk for Life for the local Pregnancy Center on May 15th. I'm really excited about this because I am so passionate about mothers choosing LIFE for their unborn babies. Not only choosing LIFE but getting the support and counseling they need. I will of course be walking in memory of my Lilly and in honor of my Dylan. Everything I do revolves around them both. :)If anyone is intersted in sponsoring my walk please email me with your name, address, and commitment. Even if your commitment is $1.. every dollar matters! The Carolina Pregnancy will send you a bill of the commitment amount. My goal is $1000 and I have set this goal high because this is very important to me.
*Dylan Update*
Dylan had his 9 month doctor's appointment yesterday. He weighs 19lbs and is 28 inches in length. Growing up! He had to get a shot and he wasn't too happy but got over it pretty fast. I asked the doctor if it was normal that he wasn't crawling or even making a attempt to try. And she says she is seeing it more and more now a days because of back sleeping. People always tell me, I don't want him to crawl because he will be all over the place and I will have to keep my eye on him ALL the time... well I just want my child to meet his milestones when he is suppose to. He is trying to pull up of furniture, which scares me because he falls and hits his head everytime I'm not there to catch him.
I will be participating and the Walk for Life for the local Pregnancy Center on May 15th. I'm really excited about this because I am so passionate about mothers choosing LIFE for their unborn babies. Not only choosing LIFE but getting the support and counseling they need. I will of course be walking in memory of my Lilly and in honor of my Dylan. Everything I do revolves around them both. :)If anyone is intersted in sponsoring my walk please email me with your name, address, and commitment. Even if your commitment is $1.. every dollar matters! The Carolina Pregnancy will send you a bill of the commitment amount. My goal is $1000 and I have set this goal high because this is very important to me.
*Dylan Update*
Dylan had his 9 month doctor's appointment yesterday. He weighs 19lbs and is 28 inches in length. Growing up! He had to get a shot and he wasn't too happy but got over it pretty fast. I asked the doctor if it was normal that he wasn't crawling or even making a attempt to try. And she says she is seeing it more and more now a days because of back sleeping.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Happy Easter Lilly
Happy Easter, Lilly!
I know you had a wonderful Easter Day celebrating with Jesus.. Singing beautifully before the Lord. We had a wonderful Easter! Aunt Sarah and Uncle John came home from Michigan to visit for four days. They came in on Thursday and spent the whole day with us. Saturday, I volunteered for the church Easter egg hunt. Daddy and Dylan had so much fun. Dylan made two new friends that day. He is getting so big! Did I tell you he has two teeth now?
Sunday at church, Dylan was Dedicated. It was a wonderful ceremony! Daddy and I found a new church and we are very proud we had Dylan dedicated there.
We miss you very much and love you more than you know!
Love,
Mommy
Here are the pictures of your brother in his new Easter outfit..
I know you had a wonderful Easter Day celebrating with Jesus.. Singing beautifully before the Lord. We had a wonderful Easter! Aunt Sarah and Uncle John came home from Michigan to visit for four days. They came in on Thursday and spent the whole day with us. Saturday, I volunteered for the church Easter egg hunt. Daddy and Dylan had so much fun. Dylan made two new friends that day. He is getting so big! Did I tell you he has two teeth now?
Sunday at church, Dylan was Dedicated. It was a wonderful ceremony! Daddy and I found a new church and we are very proud we had Dylan dedicated there.
We miss you very much and love you more than you know!
Love,
Mommy
Here are the pictures of your brother in his new Easter outfit..
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