Baby Bella: The Fighter

My heart is full of love for a baby I’ve never held or even met. Her name is Bella and she IS a fighter. Baby Bella has been diagnosed with Trisomy 18 or Edwards Syndrome. Born Monday January 24th, she weighed 4 lbs 6oz and was 16 inches in length. She is fighting for her life as all these babies have fought and are still fighting. It brings to mind this verse:

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.” - John 14:1

This verse got me through after I watched my precious Lilly fight for her life. I’ve seen in four days people from all over come together on facebook in prayer for this beautiful life. From the beginning when Doctors were trying to convince her parents, Virginia and Tom to take their daughter off the ventilator that was helping her breathe.. These Doctors wouldn't perform the surgery Bella needed to remove a hernia that was preventing her to breathe. Now because of prayer, work, sweat, and tears, Bella is safe in the hands of Doctors at CHOP (Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia) to have the surgery she desperately needs. More than anything I LOVE to see prayers being answered!

Psalm 46
"God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging."

Virginia, Bella's mother, I want you to know that I think about you and Bella all the time. I pray for you all the time. Please remember that the Lord knows the desires of your heart. Bella is fighting for you! May the Lord continue to give you strength. Always look up! :) Praise Him in this storm and keep fighting for your precious daughter. I know what it is like to be a mother watching your baby fight for life and wanting SO badly to make everything better and all you are able to do is watch. I remember praying and telling the Lord to take me instead of my Lilly. Stay strong!

Remember: There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears. There will a day when the burdens of this place will be no more! What a wonderful day that is going to be!

Headbands and Beanies CHEAP

This company has the cutest headbands and beanies for babies N-9months.
http://www.girlscrochetheadbands.com/default.html Did I mention its wholesale and CHEAP?! I will definately be ordering from this company when I find out I'm having a girl! :) When I receive the product I'll let you know the quality of the product.

Morning Sickness.. SUCKS!

They really should rename it.. All Day Sickness! After my doctors appointment January 6th, I couldn't keep food down. After about five days of not being able to keep food down, I called the doctor and they prescribed Zofran. IT WORKED!

I went back to the doctor this past Thursday, January 20th and had my first ultrasound. When she put the ultrasound wand, <-- don't know the proper name for it, on my tummy it looked like the baby was waving. So cute! They ended up changing my due date to August 15th, which makes me super happy.. the sooner the better.

The baby's heartbeat was 172. A little girl's heartbeat?!?

Possible Baby Girl Room Ideas!

This is a Ballerina Painting I found on Etsy. I will find out the store name for you! This painting I invision hanging over the crib.

This is one of three crib bedding options. This one is from Babies R Us.

This is option number 2 from Target.

This is option number 3 from Target.

These wall shelves with frames and baby accessories bring a cute splash of color!

Is this not the cutest pillow??? From an Etsy shop called chunkymonkeyluv!

I love signs and birdhouses! And I love the colors!

I'm speechless!

Okay so I'm in shock! For Christmas this year I got a kindle, a Northface Jacket, Guy Harvey shirts, and two positive pregnancy tests. Yes.. baby #3 is on the way! At first I was a little sad (and this makes me feel bad) because I had this pregnancy planned out. I was going to get into the LPN Program, graduate, get a great job, possible sell our house, and then have another baby. I guess God had another plan. I admit, and I don't want anyone to get upset with me because I'm upset with myself, I cried when I found out and few days after.

Even though I had a healthy baby after Lilly, I still can't help being a little apprehensive and scared about this pregnancy. My first doctors appointment was Thursday January 6 and it went well. Oh course I was offered Genetic testing again. I guess once high risk always high risk. And again I refused all genetic testing except ultrasounds. Whether this baby is healthy or not, this is my child and a precious gift. No genetic testing will truely prepare you to leave the hospital with empty arms.

After my appointment, I felt a little down. I am not sad about being pregnant, I am sad about possibly having to put off school another year. I refuse to be sad about being pregnant because just like Lilly and Dylan, this baby deserves my happiness and excitment.

Michael and I have already picked out names! Girl: Faith Elizabeth Knox and Boy: Tanner John Knox

Faith Elizabeth is the name I picked out and I have been praying over since Lilly passed away. Her name means Trust consecrated to God. I believe it has taken my faith in God to get me through so much in the past 4 years and her name is dedicated to that faith and struggle.

Can you tell by now that I'm hoping for a girl? :)

I heart you..Miss Lilly Brie~

I am a complete emotional reck! You can't tell by my happy attitude but I am really sad and upset. This month is full of happy and sad memories. The leaves falling from the trees, the smell of burning leaves, the pumpkins.. all bring back the memory of Lilly and the events leading up to her birth.

On October 15, 2007, Michael and I rented our first place together as a newly wed couple. All we had to prepare for Lilly, at that time, was a bassinet and clothes, in a small room connecting the kitchen to the master bedroom. But mentally we were prepared for the fact that she might never see the bassinet and clothes. I was attending a Bible study with some girl friend's of mine. They stayed with me one night, when Michael had to work, so that just in case I went into labor they could take me to the hospital and call Michael. Brian Winslow walked me from West 2nd Street to Down On Mainstreet and back nearly everyday. I guess he wanted to meet Lilly as bad as I did. :) I was having a lot of trouble with my feet and legs swelling. I was miserable but I knew that the as long as she was in my belly she was fine.

On October 24, 2007 at 10:00pm I went to the hospital for contractions. Which, of course, went away after the nurse gave me an IV but they decided to induce me anyway because of the Pregnancy Induced Hypertension. Finally, on the 26th is when the Pitosin started to kick in and I started having mild contractions. One of the sadest moments in my life was when the NICU Doctor came into the room and sat down next to my bed and asked Michael and I if we wanted to put Lilly on life support or comfort care. I just cried because reality really truely set in then.. our baby was going to die. At that moment we knew for sure it was going to happen.

We chose comfort care. I wanted everything to be in God's will. And I knew that God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle.

I received an Epidural, which didn't work. So I was in extreme pain and ended up blacking out for a few minutes. I woke up to the doctor and nurses moving me to another bed and telling me to push. The doctor, according to my mother, wasn't very interested in delivering Lilly. She acted almost like it was a waste of her time. I ended up pushing for 23 minutes and finally Lilly was born at 10:56 pm. She didn't cry, which really scared me. I remember saying, "She isn't crying, she isn't crying". I didn't know if she was alive. I had prayed for months for her to be born alive.

They put her in my arms and she was perfect. I remember the doctor coming back into the room to see her. My mom said doctors usually never do that. She wimpered. :( The nurses put an oxygen meter on her foot, which when it got below a certain number it would beep. It beeped a lot. Everyone was so worried about her heart but her heart beat was strong. Michael's family and my family left and went home after holding and loving Lilly. They went home with anticipation of seeing her the next morning. The nurses moved us to a family room in the NICU, where Lilly laid in a bed between Michael and I. She passed away at 4:46 am.

Our family came back to the hospital to say their good-byes.

This is why this month is SO hard. I tell myself after crying myself to sleep that I should be over this by now. I feel like that if I talk too much about Lilly that people will get tired of hearing it. I'm not over it, the tears continue to fall when I'm trying to go to sleep, and I want to talk about her. I haven't cried infront of any of my friends or family in a very long time and I feel like I'm due for a good cryfest.

I also continue to ask the Lord why he chose me for this.. not that I want anyone else to lose their child. This is so hard....

*((Fort Dylan))*

For those days of pure discontent and pulling hair out.. a couch cushion fort will calm anyone's nerves for about 30 minutes. :)

I don't know about the imagination your fort brings but Dylan's fort is our protection from huge blue dragons.. let me not forget about the green ones, they breathe purple fire. Love when the imagination runs wild. I'll write a story later. Time for me to hit the sack! Goodnight all and God Bless!